she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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