I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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