Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
