half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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