either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
