end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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