you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
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Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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