so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
