I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
