pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
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you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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