The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
