Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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