My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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