I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
