did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
you never un-have a 4some
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
