On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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