wat bout pragnant strippers??
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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