she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
