I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence