im drinking this country out of the recession.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
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I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
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Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted