tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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