Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just found puke in my bra..
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We have started to decorate penises.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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