I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
