a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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