Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
