Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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