Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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