Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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