Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
