birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
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New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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