The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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