We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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