chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
