Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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