Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
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It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
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Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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