nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Be still, my beating vagina.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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