i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
