From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
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I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
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My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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