Where is the hickey?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
