one two three fourrrrnication!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
