he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
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Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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