you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
