I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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