i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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