remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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