It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
