I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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