The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
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We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
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Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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