Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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