my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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