I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Pants are for mortals
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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