Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
