I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
